It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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