I'm going to jail i love you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
