Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
