When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
