I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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