Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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