I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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