He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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