Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
