I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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