If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
