I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
