i used baking grease as lip gloss
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
