Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Small penises have feelings too.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
