I can text with my tongue
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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