Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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