We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
