I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
