We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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