i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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