drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
