Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
