I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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