So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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