last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
