She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize