Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
