my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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