Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize