allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
