Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
