dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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