at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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