I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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