I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
