he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
