I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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