I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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