how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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