Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
