Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
