Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Green mimosas i think yes
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
