You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
