Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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