saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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