Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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