My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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