i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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