I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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