So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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