I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
