i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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