if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
