The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
