Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
