Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
