The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so let's talk penis.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
