ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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