i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
