Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
