All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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