I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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