I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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