Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
