my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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